Happy Anniversary!

Know what?  I'm married to the most awesome guy on the planet.  I am so lucky, the thought of how lucky I am makes me weep at times.

Glen and I celebrated 19 years of marriage yesterday.  No fanfare, no expensive trinkets, just a nice dinner at Outback, a cocktail at Angellino's with our good friend Marisa, and we were home by 9:30 to watch the last 30 minutes of "Biggest Loser" with the kids.  The kids.  I think of them and know that, without a doubt, probably the best thing Glen and I did together was procreate!  We have the best kids on earth, bar none.  They are thoughtful, responsible, trustworthy - and they are only eleven!  We are so blessed.

One of the things we talked about last night was how stressed I've been feeling lately.  The extra weight I've put on is a testament to that, when I'm stressed, I eat, sad but true.  But my wonderful, awesome, love of a husband still loves me even though I'm a bit rounder than I'm sure he'd like.  He's agreed to set aside time a couple of days a week to work out with me.  Wow!!!!  My best friend and soul mate is now also my workout buddy, I think that's kinda cool.

In a time when so many marriages are unhealthy, falling apart or ending, I try to remember how lucky I am to have a partner who's in this for the long haul.  Marriage has the ability to make people, well, better people!  Nothing drags a self-centered person out of themselves like marriage, nor does anything expose them quicker.  And when both spouses take their vows seriously from the start, all the inevitable storms can be weathered together, because the goal is to stay together.  All decisions are made with that goal in mind.

Honey - we made it 19 years, here's to the next 19 and beyond!  I love you, boo!

What??? Start a church???

Whoa - this is too weird.  I was just thinking about a friend of mine in a random "there she/he is on Facebook" sort of way, and I am almost positive God just said - practically audibly, mind you - call them and start a church.

I say almost because that would be the scariest and craziest thing I think I would ever do.

So, while I ruminate on all that scariness that thought, tell me - how do you discern the voice of God?  How do you know whether or not He wants you to do something?  How does He speak to you?  Do you ever actually hear Him?

What I believe about the spiritual gift of encouragement

This is part three (or is it four?) in my little series on what I believe now vs. what I used to believe.  I used to believe that edifying and serving my leaders was the right and God-honoring thing to do.

I can tell you from experience that ministry leaders need cheerleaders sometimes.  Full time ministry is a lot of work, much of the time it doesn't pay well, and there is usually little or no "human" reward.  I never saw anything wrong with being a cheerleader, an encourager, and edifier and a good listener.  I used to be the person who brought the coffee, who freely doled out the hugs and pats on the back, who called people simply because God brought them to mind.  I was the person who said "I'll take care of this, you go home and be with your family."  I was the person who edified, encouraged, and just plain old worked my butt off in order to try to be just a small blessing to other people.

Now in 2010, looking back over my ministry experiences this past decade, I can say with the utmost clarity that I'm done with the edification and encouragement thing.  Being nice to people who are in authority over you is no longer acceptable or respectable apparently.  I seem to remember a time when it used to be...it's how I learned to serve.  I learned to serve my leaders so that when I was a leader, I would know how to serve those I led.  I can see now that my attempts to serve are almost always viewed as attempts to manipulate or suck up.

This still bothers me something awful, because I love doing things for others "just because."  I bake cookies, I send cards, I hug people and cry with them, I call them "just because."  Being a blessing is what makes me tick.  I never seek anything in return...it's just how I'm wired, but I've spent the past several years trying to un-wire that part of me.  If you've ever wondered what happened, and why I've not been the same outgoing, huggy, interested-in-your-life person I used to be, it's just that I've learned it's not an acceptable way to act.  And I learned it in the church.

Is there a more acceptable way to use my gift of encouragement?  When I find one, I'll let you know.  But for now, I'll tell you it's pretty hard to keep it bottled up.

The role of the pastor - and something I still believe

My last blog entry was about a tale of two pastors - and after I wrote it, I figured I should probably talk about what I do believe, which is this (among other things).  I believe the role of a pastor is one of the most thankless and highly scrutinized professions on the planet.

I don't know what it's like in your church, but as a Christian in a denomination that doesn't ascribe to any doctrine other than "The bible is the Word of God" and "Where is it written?"- that inevitably will leave a lot open to interpretation when you go from church to church.  We embrace our unity in Christ, but also our diversity regarding issues such as hymns vs. modern, creation vs. evolution, women in ministry and many others.  To be honest, I'm amazed that any pastor survives in such a congregation, because each and every one of us wants, or rather expects our pastor to believe as we do.  When he or she doesn't, we react in one of three ways - we leave, we stay and complain, or we stay and grow in our faith while we learn to appreciate the marvelous tension that exists at times when we call ourselves disciples of Christ.

My pastor didn't believe as I did when he visited our church that first time and interviewed for the position.  When it came to a vote, I was one of 7 people who voted no.  I only know who 1 of the remaining 6 are, and thankfully that person is still at my church as I am.  At first I stayed and complained.  Then I grew up a bit, and realized that my new pastor wasn't who I was supposed to be focusing on, if you get my drift.  I sometimes wonder if he had a sense that I was wary at first, because he spent what I considered to be an extra measure of time reaching out to get to know me.  What I eventually found out was that we actually believed much the same, but mostly that his desire was to follow Christ and help lead others in doing the same.  That didn't mean we had to agree on everything, but that we could agree on what was important - glorifying God through Jesus Christ and shining the light of Christ in the community.

Over the past several years, my beliefs have changed somewhat, but in a healthy, intelligent way.  If it were not for the patient understanding and perseverance of my senior pastor, I might not have opened my mind up enough for God to get inside and work on all the years of junk that had accumulated. For years I was brainwashed, with a very unhealthy and unbiblical view of the leaders that God had placed in authority over me.

So, yes, I still believe that the role of pastor is thankless, difficult, and fraught with scrutiny.  But I hope my pastor (who I no longer refer to as "the new guy") knows how much I appreciate him, even though we may not agree on everything.  In the end, what we do agree on is really all that matters.

A tale of two pastors - and something I used to believe.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.  OK, neither, I was just trying to be clever.  The characters are Pastor A and Pastor B (original, I know), they are not meant to be any particular real life pastor, and yet they represent a lot of real life pastors.  Their stories go something like this...

Pastor A: A charismatic personality, their name is associated with the name of their church.
Pastor B: A charismatic personality, their name is associated with the name of their church.

Pastor A: Develops an inappropriate relationship with a parishioner.
Pastor B: Develops an inappropriate relationship with a parishioner.

Pastor A: Knows he's in over his head.  He puts his faith in God's Word, ends the relationship, takes sole responsibility for his behavior, confesses his sin to the other church leaders and awaits his fate.
Pastor B: Knows he's in over his head.  He puts his faith in his ability to spin a believable story, ends the relationship, shifts the blame to the other person, and manipulates the church leaders by threatening to quit if the troublemaker is not dealt with.

Pastor A: Gets fired, as expected, or resigns voluntarily.  He apologizes to the congregation and leaves the church willingly, understanding he may never pastor a church again.
Pastor B: Keeps his job.  The other person is silenced by the leadership and bullied into leaving the church in order to protect the church's and the pastor's reputation.

I used to believe that it was more important to protect a pastor for the sake of Jesus' reputation, and that a mere parishioner was just that - a mere parishioner.  God called the pastor to serve that church - not the parishioner.  The parishioner could go anywhere.  I eventually wised up, but I know people who still believe this, and many are church leaders, surprise surprise...but many are also simply churchgoers who have a warped view of a biblical ministry heirarchy.

God doesn't need a PR agent.  What God wants are people who take His Word seriously - and that includes taking responsibility for and repenting of our sinful behavior and making proper amends when we blow it.  The Christian walk is neither easy nor convenient.  I believe that churches would look a whole lot different if we actually practiced what the bible says about living in community with one another.  Instead, we stand around with our swords at our sides, ready to do battle with anyone or anything that threatens our reputations or our little, insignificant self-made kingdoms - all in the name of protecting the name of Jesus, or some other such silliness.  As if Jesus really needs our protection.

These two tales will sound familiar to anyone who's been a Christian for a while.  Personally, I'd rather receive spiritual guidance from Pastor A, because he's honest.  He practices what he preaches.  Tragically, we may never find out about the Pastor B's in our midst until they are backed into a corner and no longer able to lie their way out.  Then we read it in the newspaper, watch it on TV, discuss it in our bible studies, and we shake our heads and wring our hands.  Why are these yahoos allowed to continue in ministry, living an unrepentant and arrogant lie, for as long as they do?  And when one is finally discovered, I can't help but think "God - where were You while all this was going on?  How could You allow that, and why didn't You protect Your church?"  Is it perhaps that God expects all of His followers to be studying and applying His Word in His local church body, instead of relying on and lavishing our blind allegiance on some smooth-talker in the pulpit?

What I believe, and no longer believe

Beliefs are hopefully based on facts - not on crowd mentality.  For years I subscribed to the "people I respect believe this, so I do as well" way of life.  No more.  And honestly, I think too many Christians base their beliefs on such nonsense.  "I like my pastor, and he says this, so it must be true."  If your pastor is misquoting scripture, or if you perhaps heard him incorrectly, or worse - you heard what you wanted to hear instead of the truth, this way of thinking that is guaranteed to implode when your beliefs are held up to God's Word.

I've been challenged to write this series of things I believe and no longer believe by several blog writers I follow, particularly Anne Jackson and Ben Dubow.  As my faith has been rocked, my hopes and dreams shattered, my very reason for even being here called into question over the past several years - I discovered I was not alone.  In fact, God works in hearts and lives all the time, and powerfully, despite our narrow view of our own circumstances.

The turning point for me occurred a few years ago while having coffee with our denomination's regional conference Assistant Superintendent.  She's since moved on to another ministry calling, but at the time her spiritual direction and the sharing of her own faith-shattering experiences (which, to my amazement, were nearly identical to mine) were an immense encouragement to me.  I finally realized that the Gospel was a whole lot bigger than my church.  I realized that I had allowed myself to be brainwashed, and step by step I began to deconstruct what happened and why over 15 years of ministry.

The Threshing Floor is my faith journey.  All my beliefs are thrown into the wind of the Holy Spirit, and if I'm willing to let go of what needs to blow away, what falls to the ground will be the truth.  Soli Deo Gloria!

Counting my blessing

Blessing.  Singular.  There's a song we do in Legacy by the Martins that's called "Count Your Blessing" about how even Job, in the midst of all he went through, was able to find one blessing that he could thank God for.  There are days that I struggle to find things to be thankful for, because all the hardships and stress are pressing in around me.

But you know what I've found?  It's in the message of that song - "Count your blessing, you'll find one if you try, count on the Lord and watch that blessing multiply."  Being thankful is an act of the will, not dependent on my circumstances.  My will does not naturally gravitate toward thankfulness all the time.  However, I am capable of training my will to look for and celebrate a blessing in my life regardless of my circumstances.  The neat part is that once I can focus on one blessing, and thank my heavenly Father for it, other blessings will begin to surface that I can be thankful for.  This is enough to pull me even from the depths of despair.

So today I'm thankful for the nice hot cup of coffee I'm drinking, the sunshine that is heating up my new sun room as I type this, a warm place to live with enough food to eat, and hot water for a shower.  I'm even thankful that we have enough money for a few Christmas presents for the kids.  That's more than a lot of people have.  As I think on all these things, I realize how truly blessed I am with a wonderful husband and soul mate, and three children that God in His infinite mercy allowed us to have - those three are three of the greatest blessings of all.

Suddenly, I'm no longer stressed, and while the hardships don't go away, I am better able to cope when I have an attitude of thankfulness, and can go about my day with praise on my lips for my heavenly Father who loves me.

What blessing can you count today?  You can find one if you try.  God is good.